So, my head is sore, it's been much worse before but like people say, when you're younger, you bounce better! At 32 the bounce isn't really a bounce but more like a fall flat on your face in a cold custard and fish pie....
There's been something going on anyway, whether it's a small bleed or a slight blockage, something has kicked off in my head! It's remarkable how I can distinguish between a standard daily headache, to 'there's something going on' headache and a 'all hell is breaking loose and I need brain surgery' headache but this is the one thing I am fluently brilliant at! So this time, my feeling is that my ventricles are enlarged which means there has been a blockage in my brain drain however (and a massive hoorah) it has flushed itself through and I've avoided surgery once more!
It's been a pretty tiring 4/5 weeks, lots of painkillers, little sleep and a miserable face....it's these times when I forget how to smile. There's always a gaggle of people banging on about this that and the other and I prefer to hibernate than have to give most of the human race a reality check. It's a heavy burden I carry around, trying not to think too much about life with lots of pain medication....it's a 'pain vs becoming dependent on painkillers' debate...except there's no debate. It's more a get over it, deal with it and shut up debate!
Anyway once again, I've made it through (still with a sore head) and I'm back in action so to speak.
Now for the difficult part........I've been ill just over 17 years now and I've finally hit that wall people preach about! In fact, I feel like I've hit three walls whilst being in the middle of an illegal rave where thousands of people dance over me right before I fall in to a pit with some hardcore scary gorillas ready for a fight. Yep, that dramatic! All that determination I had when I was younger, the same determination that got me through GCSE's, A Levels, a Degree and a Masters Degree has now oozed out of my rather tired body. I hate to say it but all those people (doctors/friends/family) who tried to get me to take time out, I owe you all massive apologies....if only I could rewind, I would so take the time out. I honestly feel if I did that, I would not feel the way I do right now. Hindsight is a wonderful thing......
Well, as I can't turn back the hands of time, or time travel, I've made my decisions and so I should be proud. If only it was that easy!
It seems in this world nothing is easy, it's like everyone has completely lost the plot. It's a massive pit of doom. I mean, is anyone actually super happy? How can you be when people are in pain and people are running from war.....idiots can buy guns and drive cars.....I mean, honestly, people think I'm slightly mental! Well world, more fool you, you're completely ridiculous!
So, as I sit here writing this, I have taken the decision to stand back, observe and keep calm and quiet. It's either that or explode in to tiny pieces, and I'm not talking little pieces of joy. I don't feel brave anymore, in fact I feel weak, pathetic and lost. I'm not ashamed to say that either. It says something when I would probably feel more comfortable having brain surgery and taking time out afterwards than just taking the time out because my head is mashed. I have never wanted to feel like a failure or to feel disabled or as the ticky box people like to call it chronically diseased. I am though, well not diseased but ill for life. I know some of you people out there seem to struggle with those of us who are incredibly ill but not visibly ill, I'll make sure I get a badge soon. People love grouping and stereotyping. Unfortunately, you'd struggle to fit me in one box, I'd need to be split three ways....lucky me!
Mentally, my head feels, well...mental! Half the time I don't know if I'm coming or going, what I'm doing or what the hell is going on. My mind is consumed with what feels like the biggest disaster movie of all time. I'm talking somewhere between Independence Day, The War of the World and Planet of the Apes. Now that is some crazy shit going down! Welcome to my world. If only there was a pill that could sort that out. It's the whole box thing again....elements from several things create my world!
On another note, there are so so many articles and comments circulating via multiple social networks about the NHS. I almost feel I should be apologising for taking so much of their time and money. This week I actually found out the cost of the rather small tube I have in my brain which keeps me alive....£20,000. Yes, you read correctly, £20,000 for a little bit of plastic! This is where we are going wrong!! It can't possibly cost £20,000 for a bit of silicone. Now that my friends, is completely ridiculous. So, in my 17 years of being ill I've had £140,000 worth of tubes, I haven't even bothered working out the costs of brain surgeons, anaesthetic, anaesthetists....the most well payed jobs going probably! I almost feel guilty and this is one of the problems with the world today. I'm sorry for using the NHS so much, it wasn't my fault though.....I didn't ride a motorbike without a helmet, or go joyriding or do anything to cause my illness. I blame life......sadly I can't sue life.
On suing life, wasn't there a film years ago about someone suing God? Now, I'm not religious and I do not want to offend anyone but if he was real, I'm pretty sure he would have a permanent queue of people waiting to punch him in the face. Any time I do have a discussion with those people in the world who do follow religions, I always get 'he made you ill because he knew how strong you were'. Well, take it from me, I could of done without the hassle to be perfectly honest. Surely there was another destiny for me? One where I just sat and made loads of money and had everything I ever wanted including several ponies, a couple of castles, an island....well I could go on, but I don't want to depress myself further! Eeeeh you have to laugh, if I didn't I'd spend 24 hours a day crying! I allow myself a maximum of 2 hours per day crying, any more and I'd cause flood damage in my house......and there will most definitely be issues with insurance if I'd caused the flood. I'd have to sue myself! Crazy times!
So, here's to all of us still trying to get through life. It's like some crazy playground without the play. I hope this makes you laugh, I like to make people laugh with my sarcastic and dry humour. I like the phrase 'dry humour'...it makes you think that there has to be something called 'wet humour'. For someone who's illness translates to 'water on the brain'...well it's just hilariously ironic.
Also on irony, when I got my flu jab this year, it was given to me by a nurse I'd never met before. Afterwards she said 'you've got incredibly thick skin'. I smirked. Thick skin, that's me! I can deal with brain surgery but anything else I'm like a quivering mess! Fun times in the life of me!
I hope all of my blog supporters are well and not crumbling in the world of madness, it has to get better! I'm trying my best to get a message to the aliens to come and pick a bunch of the loveliest people down here. I'll let you know if I hear anything.....
Just before I go, a little message to the world.......
Dear World,
Stop being utterly pathetic, where's your compassion, where's the love? You've let us all down, this makes me so sad. I feel heartbroken. More than heartbroken. It's all too much for me now, I just want to come out the other side where everything is nice, compassionate and warm. This won't happen and if it does it's probably too late for most of us but we can only hope that it's easier for future generations. It's either that or people will be emigrating to Mars or the Moon. These both seem like decent options at the minute. I'm not scared of aliens either, I bet they don't have guns or cars or scary gorillas. In fact, those 'little green men' are probably the most decent people in the world.....obviously I'd prefer them in pink, green just never has been my colour.
Laters
Nina (no kiss)
I'm going to leave you with the words of the very cool, sane and down with everything Coolio (laugh man, it's funny)...
As we walk down the road of our destiny
and the time comes to choose which it gonna be
the wide and crooked, or the straight and narrow
we got one voice to give and one life to live
stand up for something or lie down in your game
listen to the song that we sing
it's up to you to make it be
I guess I'll see you when you see me
I'll see you when you get there
if you ever get there
see you when you get there
I'll see you when you get there
if you ever get there
see you when you get there
https://youtu.be/tP1PXRiVoJw
Much love to you all....
N x
