Personally I prefer the Superhero term over the superhuman or chronically diseased. Whilst other people are ecstatic on winning the lottery or bunch of flowers, when this never happens to me.....I have to remember how really lucky I am....luckier than most!
Yes.....that is right, you just heard me say I'm lucky! Without a doubt, surviving brain surgery 8 (or 9?) times makes me pretty much a Superhero! The fact that I can see out of one eye albeit not very well and walk and think and know what the hell is going on makes me, without a doubt one of the luckiest people to ever grace this planet....
....which brings me to my next point.....Superheros. So, why I think I'm ok to call myself one...well, they've all got issues these Superheros.
Spiderman - bitten by a spider and therefore horribly diseased with spider webs squirting from his wrists, clinging on to buildings and such like.
X-men - many of them are some what disabled in the real world yet their powers enable them to be superhuman in the not so real world. Whether they have additions to their physical beings or not. They're all not quite right or different!
The Hulk - well, he clearly has some serious anxiety issues, is he even a Superhero? Superhuman more like, I can only be thankful I don't turn green when I'm having a rubbish day, feeling angry or down. That would not be good, he's got it quite bad don't you think?! I mean no one likes a massive drama queen and to me, he probably could put good use to some anxiety medication!
Batman - poor little soul he is, major anxiety issues and stress problems after the loss of his parents. Oh and also, he's really scared of bats. I'm thinking he probably has some kind of severe OCD going on there.......bats are not that scary! (Unless you believe in vampires then you probably have ever right to be scared. I wouldn't like to rule out vampires - I am more of an inclusive kind of girl. They wouldn't want to drink my blood anyway....or would they?!)
There are many more too - Daredevil; well he's blind which leaves his other senses hugely heightened. Although I am not blind in both eyes, I do no that your other senses absolutely become heightened. Sadly, being blind in one eye (like me) does not leave any kind of heightened sense. Just the ability to pour drinks all over a table instead of in the glass, misjudge the height of steps and my favourite power - the walking in to door frames and lamp posts.
Now, this is something I missed - probably because I'm not that in to Superhero comics or films so you all may know this but I certainly didn't! Iron man, that thing on his chest. Well, not just a thing! It's basically a pacemaker! Who knew?!
Anyhoo, most people can and will never understand the massive drama life can be when you're chronically ill. We're all warriors in our own way. We're the people when 7 on the pain scale is a good day! I personally don't expect anyone to understand what it's like. Especially when you can't see it. I get that it's not an easy thing for people to not judge others on appearance but there are plenty of us. I think I can speak for all of us when I say, please don't judge us on the fact we're standing tall with a smile on our faces.......judge us on the superhuman strength we have to stand there with a smile on our face when inside we're damaged and hurting.
You without a doubt change who you are when you're in a position like mine. Just as experience and environment can change everyone as people. Pain and hurt and sadness has changed me. If you ask me how I am, my standard reply will be 'fine' or 'ok, thanks'. After 16 years of being ill I find it easier to say that than bang on about the same thing for 16 years and the rest of my life! It's so much easier to pretend to be 'fine' than to explain what ever pain or trauma I am going through. I feel very much like I can't expect people to understand, it's too rare and complicated, plus to have to go through a load of medical terms and whatnot repeatedly would just get so so boring - for me and you.
So, I suppose what I am saying is that I'm constantly fighting, I have to. If I didn't then I may as well give up and stay in bed. I don't think many people would blame me for that but it just isn't me. I have a feeling that one day this may change, i'm hoping it's when i'm really old though. There will most likely come a time when brain surgery just isn't easy anymore. Right now, it has to be, I have to look at it as a normal life occurrence. If I didn't I would worry about everything a whole lot more.
Today I read an interesting quote...."Scars are tattoos with better stories" - and what a story I have! I do have one tattoo and it was something I got because of my illness - it says "C'est la vie" - french for 'That's life'. It reminds me every day that brain surgery is life and that's ok. It has to be ok, if it isn't then I've got problems....it's only brain surgery.
I'd rather not write about the things that could go wrong during brain surgery, although I am well aware, as are my family but it really isn't something you want to think about. I recently read a one of these 'Keep Calm' posters with regards to brain surgery - 'Keep calm, it's only brain surgery'. It's only brain surgery indeed.....perhaps when you hear people complaining about runny noses and sore throats, you may think of this!
As I am getting older I feel it's more important to remind myself of the above, I was a much stronger young person. If brain surgery had of been a person, oh by goodness they would of experienced the nightmare of Nina but it's not! I have to remind myself of the strength it takes for me to be who I am and do what I do and be proud....really proud.
I hope I can inspire other people and young people with awful illnesses to not feel bad when they need a day in bed or just want to hibernate for a while. It's fine. Don't ever feel like the world is passing you by or that you aren't living life to the full. It's ok, it's life, it's my life and your life. I may never make millions from working but I will have done amazing things as a person who has been through a lot and achieved a lot more.
Be back soon!
N
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